The day after the extreme night that was. I wake up dazed and confused, in a state aligned with Robert Plant's famous line. What happened last night? Was it all just a strange dream? I hear the Malaria tablets I'm taking can induce psychedelic subconsciousness but after a rinse of the face with cold water it hits me. Reality really can be stranger than fiction.
I feel the urge to tell someone of my obscure travails the previous evening. I'm certain that if I don't get it off my chest soon I'm going to be a homosexual for life. Not that that's a terrible thing or anything....but I'm a straight man! I meet a French girl called Prescillia and we discuss the warped events over Coffee and Tea; no points for guessing who ordered what. After a lengthy discussion I feel better already, not entirely cleansed of the experience though. I amble around the small town in a reflective bubble. The streets and the faces that occupy them have a sinister taint now, a taint that wasn't apparent yesterday. I know I'm being silly, I shouldn't let the perverted events of the day before skew my idealised perception of Luang probang...but its difficult right now.
Evening rolls around and by chance I meet up with Igor and Maria at the food market, the wonderful Spanish Couple, along with Fabian, the most relaxed of Dane's who is a Trainee Doctor come Blues Guitarist. This guy is extremely interesting. After a number of drinks we head to the Bowling Alley where we meet the Legend that is Vinny the Japanese Drummer and 'Çool Hand' Dirk, the Estonian. They're already playing a game with a tall American guy and the hottest of hot Laos girl. She is absolutely incredible. No taller than 5'3, her body is like no other Laotian female I have seen, more comparable to a South American than a South East Asian. Her face is almost perfectly symmetrical. Vinny tells me she was once 'Miss Luang Probang'...I can see why.
Despite their ensuing match they insist we join. I'm suddenly compelled to ask who exactly it was they sent me home with on the motorbike last night. They explain that he's a local bar owner. 'Why do you ask?'; 'Why do I ask', I retort. And so the sequence of explicit incidents of the previous evening are recalled in intricate detail, not a stone left unturned. Everybody present howls with laughter, it's a pretty funny story after all. Dirk apologises, he knew the guy was gay but didn't imagine I would suffer such an ordeal. The group continue to chuckle but the American and the local girl do so with an added vigor, giggling like naughty children in a school yard. "Ýour getting serious amusement from my misfortunes I see?" They continue to belly laugh until the astounding woman finally composes herself and asks in her sultry, exotic tone,"Ýou didn't by any chance speak to a girl called 'Full Moon Party' last night, did you?"...surely not?
The name comes back to me like a thunderbolt from another planet. This one detail I had accidentally omitted when I recalled it just now, the lady's name I had entirely forgotten, swallowed in the oceans of my mind. From the look on my face everybody present knew this detail was significant. "ÍT WAS FUCKING YOU I SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE LAST NIGHT!"
Everyone's mind is slightly blown. Laughter and surprise supersede one another. Luang Probang is not a small town. It is one of the most affluent, biggest and most developed cities in the country. Of all the girls to be playing bowling with here today, I'm with 'Full Moon Party'. She confirms that it was all an elaborate plan. She never intended to come down on her Motorbike, it was a scheme intended to get her friend his nuts. She was a 'fluffer' so to speak, a means to getting me aroused in the genital area for her friend to then enter and suck a dick...perhaps more. The Yank goes on to reveal a further shameful dynamic. He explains that he was present at the time of the phone call. He's been romantically involved with the Lovely Laotion in the last week or so and at the time of the conversation she had had me on loud speaker with him by her side, or should I say below, performing cunnilingus, on her, I imagine, pert vagina. The joke is most definitely on me here.
Her friends give her a torrent abuse for her grooming tactics, albeit with a wry smile. She is visibly embarrassed. She apologises profusely whilst I insist there is absolutely no need. "Friends help friends get sex, right?" I reaffirm there is no need for apology."You've been a empirical part of one of the best stories of my travels, I wouldn't change a thing." I would of course. In a perfect world she'd have came down on her motorbike and allowed me to sample her Oriental Goods, but as a consolation I guess I have a story to tell. She tells me to meet her tomorrow for pool, 8 o'çlock at Bar Sabai, to make ammends. I envisage a glorious end to this story where I end up banging 'Full Moon Party', but circumstances dictate that I cant make it as I have a bus to catch in the morning. What a queer line of events, quite literally. Luang Probang has served as a fertile platform for entertainment, shock and awe. I wont forget this town in a hurry.
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